FRIENDS PART IV: "That's What Friends Are For"

We have covered how to identify a friend in part one. I challenged you to think about what kind of friend you are in part two. In part three, we took a look at our own hearts in comparison to the heart of a child. In this final part, I want to talk about what the purpose of a friend and why they are important in our lives. Friends serve very important purposes.  

GODLY ADVICE: Proverbs 12:26 says “The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.” Anyone who tickles the ears of the one they say they love is obviously not a good friend. We have enough people agreeing with us. It’s good to have someone who is not afraid to tell us what we need to hear and not just what we want to hear. We should want someone in our lives that can help us stay on the right track.

MAKES YOU BETTER: Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” That relationship with another person should make you better. They should have something to contribute to your life and you should have something to offer as well. A friendship is never one-sided.

STRENGTH & PROTECTION: Ecclesiastes 4:9–12”Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” As I stated in part three, everybody needs somebody. No one who is successful made it on their own. Two friends are there to help each other out of a rut. It may even be more than a friendship between two. Maybe it’s a friendship of three, four or even seven. The greater the number, the greater there is protection and strength. Think about a gang if you will. They stand together strong and protect each other whether right or wrong. True, false or indifferent, we keep each other protected.

PURE LOVE: I Samuel 18:1–3 “After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn't let him return home. And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself.” Whatever the context of the relationship, there is pure love embedded there.

As I was writing this, I began to think about the many different relationships I have and the context of them all. This is what I found.

I have a friendship with a guy I met in church. His name is Paul. When we met, it was at True Hope Church in San Francisco. We clicked and bonded like David and Jonathan. Our purposes were aligned for the building of the youth choir at the church. But something else was brewing here. What I didn’t understand was why this younger cat being so nice to me? I never questioned him out loud, but in my spirit, I had mounds of thoughts. Let me share some of them with you now. First of all, “He must want something.” We sometimes suspect people because of different reasons. Most of the time, our inability to trust is because of our past hurts or even our current struggles with ourselves. Second, “He must be gay.” Now, I am not homophobic. Nor am I gay either. I have the ability to befriend anyone. I have found that being a friend, doesn’t necessarily mean I have to have the same lifestyle. I used to think that being a friend with someone who is not saved is wrong. I had to change that thought as well. One of the most powerful lines in one of my favorite movies, “The Color Purple” is when Shug Avery whispers in her dad’s ear. “Sinners have souls too.” I also have to remember that I am a sinner as well. The only difference is that I am saved by grace. I can become lost in the blink of an eye without repentance and the grace and mercy of God. Not to mention, I cannot win a person if I cannot relate to a person. I later discovered that even if he was gay, that was not his interest in me. Right now today, Paul is one of the best friends I have ever had. I could call him at three o’clock in the morning and he will either get up and talk or cuss me out. Either way, he is still my true friend.

The more I thought about friendships I also thought about something else. I notice that many times people make statements that we truly need to rethink. How about this one, “Stop trying to be your child’s friend. You are their parent and friendship and parenthood don’t mix.” I understand why some people may say that. Yes, there should be boundaries about what children are exposed to in a relationship with a parent. However, I have discovered that children first learn about relationships from us, their parents. They learn what love is, what friendship is and how to navigate through life. My daughters should learn how to love a man without anything sexual. My son learn what it means to trust and depend on a man and how to be a man. I am learning how to be a friend to my children. I need them to know that it is okay to trust me as their friend. They need to know that they can talk to me when they need to. They also need to see me struggle and see how I deal with it. They need to know that I don’t always have it together and that I am not perfect. The more they see how human I am, the more they see themselves. We should sometimes remove our capes, take off the red and blue jumpsuits and just be normal in front of our kids. And for God’s sakes, it is powerful to go back to our children and admit we were wrong. It actually makes them trust you more. 

Lastly, there is the friendship between God and me. More and more God is showing me that He is not what I thought when I was younger. I used to think God was a force sitting in the clouds with a loud voice that will strike you down if you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. God is not that to me anymore. He calls me friend. He takes care of me and forgives me and loves me. I get to know Him better the more I read his word.

Proverbs 18:24 “There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.”

In the hit song by Dionne Warwick, these lyrics play in my head over and over. “Keep smiling and keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure. That's what friends are for. In good times and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more. That's what friends are for.”

 

I do realize that some people are not perfect. I know this because I know I’m not perfect either. Because they have issues is not a reason to steer clear of them. Love should cover a multitude of faults and love can change a heart. Take some time and be the change in someone’s life by being friendly to them. You just may find they needed you and you needed them as well.

THE HEART OF A CHILD

I have been teaching in schools for the past 10 years. It has been one of the most rewarding careers I have ever had. Because I teach all the classes at all three of my schools, it gives me access to every child in each school. I get to know some of them even more because of my after school chorus program. Much like us adults, children also have conflicts and challenges. They have inner conflicts, conflicts with other children and conflicts with other adults. Their challenge is to deal positively with those three areas of conflict, focus on academics in school and still come out on top. The more I spend time with these children the more I realize how much adults and children are alike. The only difference is the heart. 

 I notice that generally the heart of a child is made up of four major qualities: trusting, loyal, loving and dependent. Part of this is definitely because they are naive in many ways. I don’t really believe that is such a bad thing. Naive means “showing a lack of experience, wisdom or judgment.” It also means to be “natural, unaffected and innocent.” Of course all children are different, but generally I find that most children have those four qualities in their heart. So let’s break those down for a moment.

TRUST: Most children will trust almost anyone. They will speak to, reach out to, touch and even sometimes hug a stranger. They will trust people no matter who they are. Because of their inexperience, if you tell them something, they believe it is true. And don’t dare promise them something. They will ask you for it every day until you deliver.

LOYAL: Loyalty is something children are naturally born with. If they say they are your friend, they are your friend for real. They will defend you and fight for you and be there even when you don’t want them to be. They will try and help you with everything. If you give them a responsibility, they will latch on to it and will stick with it. Let me tell you a story about loyalty.

Years ago, when my siblings and I were like school age, my Mom and Dad were outside having an argument. I don’t remember who it was, but one of them told us to get in the car and the other one told us to get out of the car in between them arguing. *We did what both of them said because we didn’t want to let the other one down. We were loyal to both of them because we loved them both equally. We didn’t care what the argument was about. I don’t even remember. All I remember is that I loved my Mom and my Dad. We were willing to be loyal to both.

LOVING: I love getting hugs from the kids at school. Even when I fuss at them and maybe even get on their line, they will see me in the hall and say hi. They will come up to me and hug me. They sometimes even try to be the one getting to say hi first. They will just hang out for no reason at all. When children love, they love very hard and very well.

DEPENDENT: Children have no problem asking for help. They have no problem admitting they can’t do something. In fact, they admit it quickly because they would rather have someone help them than to have to go it alone.
All these four qualities are reality in most children, until something happens. Somewhere in life, they begin to grow and experience pain, abuse and neglect. This changes a child’s heart. They get exposed to being bullied, being molested, being tortured, being verbally attacked and violated in many different ways. These things start to make those four beautiful qualities diminish.

I know you feel like you are grown and you have mastered many things in life and all. Please allow me to make something very clear to you. YOU ARE STILL A CHILD. All of us are still children. Some of us have lost parents, guardians and even other extended family. We are still children. Some things have changed though. We got bigger more expensive toys, we have a little more money than before and we have a few more responsibilities. We are still those children we were before. Some of us have been severely damaged and scarred by life and its many conflicts and challenges.

We have allowed pain and hurt to change our ability to trust. We now are suspecting of everyone. It’s hard to trust now because what they did to me, everyone else is a potential villain. And don’t let some pain happen again. It will only confirm what we already believe. We cannot trust anyone.

We are no longer loyal. People aren’t loyal to us. They let us down every time. So, now we base our loyalty on those who are loyal to us. If you are committed, I’ll be committed.

Don’t even talk about love. If you don’t look good, smell good and look like somebody I could benefit from, why should I “love” you? Wait! Hold on! I thought loving someone was based on what you do for them? I thought love was giving? Don’t the scriptures say that “God is Love?” “That does not matter. I am not God, so I am unable to love that way,” so you say.

“Who? Me? Depend on someone else? Never!” We do not want to depend on someone else because they have the power over us. We are not giving anyone control over our lives. We are not asking for help. If we ask for help then that allows them to say they did it and we need them.

What happened to your heart? Where was it damaged? We have been saying and repeating, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Don’t you think it’s time for you to let some things go and allow your heart to be cleansed again? It’s okay. You can do it. Allow your child like heart to be active again. It’s easier to live a stress free life when you are letting things go and learning to TRUST without remembering the past, BE LOYAL without worrying about if someone else is or isn’t, LOVE someone without expecting anything in return and to DEPEND on someone else to help you without worrying about losing control. Everybody needs somebody. It’s time to dust off that child-like heart again and allow God to mend it, clean it and reconnect it so that the beauty of innocence can once again flow through your veins and become a part of who you are.

Mark 10:15 says, "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." I used to think this scripture was only talking about accepting the Lord into your life. But if you look at Romans 14:17, you will see a better explanation of the Kingdom of God. “For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” In other words, the scripture is saying that if I embrace living well (righteous or right living which also has to do with prosperity, health and spirituality), live in peace (no stress, no worrying), live in joy (choose to be happy no matter what my circumstances are) and allow the Holy Spirit to take over my life, I am actually living in the Kingdom of God. Notice in Mark 10:15, it suggests we do that “like a child.” We are to do it with innocence and naturally without giving regard to who hurt us and who damaged us. 

We are to trust people. It doesn’t mean we have to allow them to do whatever they want to us. The Holy Spirit will not allow you to function in life as a fool. The Holy Spirit is there to warn you and keep you aware of things with a deeper understanding of what is going on. We are to be loyal, faithful and committed to God and the people in our lives that we are responsible for or have covenant with. We are to love people even when they don’t love us back. It doesn’t mean you just give them every part of you. And we are to ask for help in the time of need. Don’t allow pride to get in the way. We must embrace these things like children. As if nothing ever happened before.
 

FRIENDS PART II: "What Kind of Friend Are You?"

Many of us talk about what others do and don’t do. Often we are so busy thinking about what we need and what we want in a friendship/relationship that we seldom take the time to consider what others may need. It’s time to turn the spotlight on ourselves for a moment. What kind of friend are you? Are you caring, considerate and encouraging? Do you support others with what they really need? Are you partially kind to only people who are nice and kind to you? If you look carefully, you may find the deficiency may just be you. What if someone needs to laugh and instead you are preaching at them telling them something? You may be giving them a chance to vent when they really need to get challenged to do something about their situation. We should most certainly start with the man in the mirror. But, isn’t it amazing how even after a glance in the mirror that there are things we don’t see that others can? If other people were to tell us what type of person we are, what would they say? Would they say we talk about ourselves all the time? Would they say we find the joy in things or are always complaining? Would they say that we can be judgmental at times? Even more importantly, how friendly would they say we are to them?

 One of the things you can do is look at who you are and what you are good at. In terms of personality traits, what things do you possess that come natural to you that could really bless others?
There was a study done by five experts on friendships. They concluded that there are five types of qualities of friends everyone needs in their life to help them keep a healthy balance. No one person can satisfy all five qualities, however one person can possess more than one quality. So as I go through these, examine who you are and how you relate to each one.

There is “The Comic Relief.” The first expert shared how they each were dealing with sick parents. They relied on each other to find the humor in their situation. They found a way to laugh and avoid depression by talking about whose situation was worse. The situation was not a laughing matter, but they helped each other to get through a tough time in their lives. Even in the Bible, Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Everyone needs someone to make them laugh. Laughter just may be that one thing to nurse them back to a healthy lifestyle. There is healing in it.

Then there is “The Life Coach.” This person gives a pep talk and is full of inspiration. This person tells the friend the truth without being too bossy. In most cases the life coaching is accepted and expected by the person who needs it. This is the person who can help pull others out of the ditch and help them get back on their feet. They give a dose of positivity and motivate the other person with encouragement and support. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” 

“The Risk Taker” is the one who pushes their friend to try more. They are an “out-the-box” and “beyond the status quo” type of person. This person helps to push past fear and take a chance on something risky. Sometimes they challenge their friend and it can be scary. They are not trying to hurt their friend, just challenge them to step out and do something. They are not rude and demeaning in any way. It’s all done in a loving friendly kind of way. In Matthew 14:26-31, “When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.  But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid. “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” 

 In reading this story, I was challenged with this part. Was Jesus rebuking or chastising Peter? Was he getting on Peter’s line about him getting distracted? I would say no. Here is what you should consider. Peter was in the midst of doing what Jesus told him to do. In fact, Peter asked Jesus to call for him to prove it was Jesus. So the fact that Peter started doubting doesn’t mean he was doubting Jesus. It actually was a doubting of himself. The Risk Taker in Jesus was encouraging him. Jesus, with his hand stretched out to him said, “Peter if you’ve come this far, you can come the rest of the way.”

“The Challenger” is the one that can just be brutally honest. This is a person you can have a debate with and when that is over they can still go out and have a good time with you. They challenge you to think about things from a different perspective.

Finally, “The Loyalist” is a person who is friendly when you have money or when you don’t. They can come to your house unannounced and you could look like a hot mess, and they will not judge you. You could be in the middle of some problems and they will not just assume things about you. They are simply there because a friendly person should be. They are also the type of person that when they ask how are you? They will not allow you to lie and say, “I’m fine.” They will just listen when you need to vent your frustration. They are with us even when we are at our worst.

The thing is though; it’s really hard to be there for someone else when you are just a third of a person. We cannot become whole by joining with someone else. In fact, even when Jesus was answering a question about which commandment was the greatest in Mark 12:30-31 he said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” 

There are three parts to this. First you must love God. Fall in love with God. Develop your relationship with Him. Devote yourself to Him. Go to church and by all means be faithful. Your first loyalty should be to God though. In fact, He will guide you to the church that you should be in. But look closely at the second part. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. I think it would even be more revealing if we turned it around. “When you love yourself, it’s easier to love your neighbor.” I want you to understand that how you treat others is reflective of how you think of yourself. Think about the issues you take up with other people. If you often judge others and talk about how wrong they are, it’s very possible that you actually are very hard on yourself and have some things you need to deal with inside. If you find it hard to forgive others, it is most likely something you need to look inside and deal with in you. 

(Part of this lesson is taken from the following article: http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspiration-motivation/types-friends-00100000101648/page2.html)