FRIENDS PART I: "How Many Of Us Have Them?"

In 1984, the hip-hop group Whodini released their second album called “Escape.” On this platinum selling album, there were three hit singles that made the top 100. Those singles were, “The Freaks Come out at Night,” Five Minutes of Funk” and the one word anthem we all use today, “Friends.”
It goes a little something like this:

Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, ones we can depend on?
Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, before we go any further?
Let’s be friends

Is a word we use every day, Most the time we use it in the wrong way
Now you can look the word up, again and again
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends
And if you ask me, you know, I couldn't be much help
Because a friend is somebody you judge for yourself
Some are okay, and they treat you real cool
But some mistake kindness for bein' a fool

We like to be with some, because they're funny
Others come around when they need some money
Some you grew up with, around the way
And you're still real close to this very day
Homeboys through the summer, winter, spring and fall
And then there's some we wish we never knew at all
And this list goes on, again and again
But these are the people that we call friends

This word has been abused and overused time and time again.

Friend (Noun) – 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: “friends of the Boston Symphony.”

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile:

“Who goes there? Friend or foe?”

4. a member of the same nation, party, etc. 

5. a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

6. a person associated with another as a contact on a social-networking website: “We've never met, but we're Facebook friends.”

But what is a friend really? It appears many have lost sight of what a friend truly is. Allow me to talk to you in the voice of some of your friends if they were honest. Some of you call me a friend because we like the same things. I say you are my friend because you were nice to me. I call others of you friends because you just seem like cool people who appear to have taken the stand that Mary J. Blige has taken, “Celebrating no more drama in your life.”  I also call you a friend because you have lots of money or you manage your money well. “So we’re friends because I know you will lend me something when I need it.”

I am really only your friend because I expect to GET something from you. I am looking at what you are giving to me from time to time. You let me use your car, so now I’m your friend. You give me money when I am low on it. So now, I just love you and I am your friend. I can call you with my drama whenever I am having some and you will listen and give me advice, so that makes you a friend. We have been friends for a while, and because we have occasional sex with no commitment, now we are what you call friends with benefits. I love you because of what you give me. When I fail in my commitment, then I come to you to make it up. When things aren’t working out with my partner, instead of me getting a grip and communicating it to them, I come to you and you think this is the truth but you are really only my fantasy outside of my reality. After all I just wanted “Five Minutes of F-U-N-K.” You know I am not really your friend, because every time you need something I am nowhere to be found. Each time you call me, I either change the direction of the conversation to tell you how bad my situation is or I am really too busy right now. I never have any money, I never have time for you but yet you better be there for me or I might throw a fit. 

It is absolutely unhealthy and toxic for you to have a “friend” who just takes and never gives to you. That is not a friend. You are my enabler or provider. You are simply my “need-dealer.” I need, you deal it out. I call, you answer. I need a ride, you come pick me up. I need an ear to vent, you lean over. I need some intimacy without commitment and your body is mine, only temporarily of course. 

This is not at all a rebuke to you or a way to make you feel bad. If you are absolutely satisfied with that status and that makes your life complete then please, by all means, continue.

I am only talking to the people who feel like “Whodini.” Some of us realize that there are times when we need a shoulder to cry on or some money to use or a ride when our car breaks down. Everybody goes through something. The question is who do you depend on? If you just said “Jesus,” I understand why. But that’s not my question really. What I’m really asking is, out of your circle of friends right now, who can you rely on? If you say yourself, then you are probably living with a messiah complex where you think it’s your job to save everyone, or you actually really have trust issues. Either way, it’s okay. You just need to be honest about where you are. 

Let’s get back to the people this is meant for. Think for a minute. Besides family, think about who is in your real circle of friends. If you were in need who would be there for YOU if you needed them? If you said, no one or not many then this is for you. If you are calling people friends in your circle and all they do is take, take, take, then this is for you. This is for those who have been feeling drained and neglected and left alone. You have been left feeling like you have the longer end of the stick or carrying most of the weight in a friendship or intimate relationship. A relationship should not be fifty-fifty. It actually should be one hundred-one hundred. Two halves do not make a whole in relationships. It actually makes a mess. When you have two people who are broken come together, their jagged edges will only fit for a while. After some time, the broken pieces start to break because they are too fragile to fit. Two whole people coming together should sharpen each other and make each other better. It takes two strong pieces to make one stronger piece. I am not at all saying that each should be perfect, but they should be growing in grace and helping each other.

I’m sure your mind is going a mile a minute right now with what I have already presented to you. That’s a good thing. So allow me to give you some clear and concise direction or a mind path if you will.

I hear God saying to you as He is saying to me, “(Insert your name here), you have been giving too much of yourself trying to make people like you, trying to impress people you don’t like or trying to hide the fact that you yourself don’t have it all together. God says, “It’s time to be free from all toxic stuff.” I am not at all suggesting that you break all ties from people. Please forgive me for the directness of this next statement. If you stop allowing people to just take from you, they will eventually either get a grip and become a better friend or go find another nipple to suck on. It’s time to cut the cord and stop enabling cheating men AND cheating women to make you their rebound. Please give to those God leads you to give to. Please be there for those who need a shoulder. Don’t forget that every friend needs a friend. Make sure you have someone you can go to as well. Everybody needs balance in their lives to prevent burnout, stress and depression.

I declare today that it’s time to pay attention to you and make time to take yourself out. I declare today that instead of struggling to look for a mentor ask God for direction and either find someone who can indirectly mentor you by way of reading their books, listening to them speak or following their blogs or social media to get some inspiration. Everybody needs real and true friends. I declare that this is the day that you will show yourself friendly and find some real friends.

Now to those who have trust issues and are too afraid to admit it, I understand you have a hard time because people have done dumb stuff. You can and should allow someone to love you back. God who is the greatest giver ever, gave his only Son, gives us life every day, wakes us up with brand new mercies no matter how many times we overdraw our grace account and continues to give blessings whether you have been bad or good. Even God knows how to receive love and praise. He lives and abides in our praise and worship. He loves and adores it. He smiles when we praise and worship Him. Unlike our other friends though, He even gives after we give Him praise. So if He can allow us selfish, disrespectful, adulterous and ungrateful folks to give Him something and He bask in it, so can you. Let your walls down and let somebody be a blessing to you today.